I’m sure everyone on some level, has been the victim of or has witnessed bullying while in grade school. If you are the victim, the experience can be terrifying and life altering. For the on-lookers, the experience can be any one, or many, of the plethora of emotions available to us as humans. One thing for certain happens in any altercation: a crowd gathers. Either from experience or seeing it through media, we are all familiar with the crowd of on-lookers that gather around a schoolyard fight, bullying, or any confrontation. It would be safe to say that if we took the crowd and interviewed them individually about what they just saw most would agree that seeing someone else be bullied is a terrible thing. So why didn’t they step in and stop it?
Some of those people may be lying. They secretly liked watching someone get bullied. Maybe they were bullied in the past and are just happy it is not them being the target for once. Maybe they secretly want to have power over others like that but don’t have the physical ability to do so. These people know the “right answer” and regurgitate it despite how they really feel. These people may also be friends of the bully and “get off” on the bully’s actions, much like the prison mentality of make friends with the strongest guy there to ensure safety. These people are not the majority in the crowd.
The majority, individually, truly feel that this behavior is wrong and disgusting. They feel sad for the target. When asked individually. So why are the rest of them laughing, watching, doing nothing? Simply put, because everyone else is doing the same thing.
How easy would it be for an entire crowd to stand up to a bully? One person, no matter how big, couldn’t possibly fight an entire crowd. Most know this, but still don’t stand up to help. Why?
Because they know that if they do stand up, the crowd’s focus would just shift to them. The crowd will not help. The crowd will yell, scream, video the altercation, but not help. This is called the bystander effect.
“The bystander effect occurs when the presence of others discourages an individual from intervening in an emergency situation, against a bully, or during an assault or other crime. The greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is for any one of them to provide help to a person in distress. People are more likely to take action in a crisis when there are few or no other witnesses present.” (taken from Psychology Today Online: Bystander Effect | Psychology Today).
For some of the courses I teach I use videos from YouTube showing altercations. Good arrests, bad arrests, fights, muggings, etc. The points I have mentioned are all apparent in these videos. The interesting one that I have seen more than once is the people who video the attack, righteously calling out repeatedly that they are filming everything, as if that is helping, only to later have that video posted online, and not by the victim. Justifications truly are the second most important thing next to breathing. Try getting through the day without making even one justification for something we do, or don’t do.
Now this topic is near and dear to my heart. I was the victim of bullies for many years. 4 or 5 at a time would pin me to the ground while one of them pounded on me. This was in the late 70’s early 80’s. Teachers didn’t care. It was a normal “boy’s being boy’s” mentality, until the day a girl decided to get in on the action and the teacher, seeing her “fighting me”, had her finish the fight in class. At the time, I didn’t fight back. Not against her, and not against the others. I was too scared. Thankfully, i learned to stand up for myself, to fight back.
Now I don’t tell you this story for sympathy. This is what made me who I am today, so in some way I am grateful for these experiences. The point is no one ever helped. I had to learn to help myself. In 1982 I started training martial arts and have never stopped. I fell in love with it. I quickly learned that even though I was learning how to fight, I didn’t have to. Knowing that I could was enough to stop the bullies. I was no longer a victim. 38 years of training later I have learned a few things.
One, you don’t need to be a UFC fighter to defend yourself. You have to decide to fight. To stand up for yourself. I have never been in what I would call “peak physical condition” especially now that I am pushing 50. Obviously, when I was younger, a by-product of training is that I was in good shape, but I didn’t diet and control what I eat and as such, was never in “fighter shape”. Since then, I have been very rough with my body over my years of training. My knees aren’t great anymore and everything hurts most days. Aleve and Tai Ji help with the pain but the mindset is the most important. When I start to train or teach, I don’t feel the pain. Learning to control your mind so that your physical limitations don’t limit you is one of the best aspects of learning martial arts. Limitations are only limiting if you ignore them or believe they are.
Two, bullies are just as scared as you are. They choose their victims very carefully. They won’t pick on someone who is confident. They may test your confidence but if you pass the confidence test they will leave you alone, moving on to an easier target. It is scary to stand up to a bully but if you do you will be better for it.
Thirdly, if you go to the ground out in the real world the bully's friends will jump in, pound you on the ground, kick at your head, etc. If you are on the ground wrestling with one person you can't defend yourself against the other attackers. Fights aren't fair. They don't have rules. I promise you that if I feel my life in on the line (and that should be the only reason, other than to train, to fight) that I will be hitting the areas that my opponent CANNOT TRAIN. Eyes, throat, nose, groin, knees. If the opponent in front of you looks like "The Rock", DON'T TRY TO PUNCH THEM IN THE TORSO! Never hit where they train to be hit. You won't win.
I hope that if you live in Calgary you will take the time to come see what we do. The confidence that comes from training will help you in every aspect of your life. It helped me.
Brad Dotten
Ronin Combatives
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Website: www.ronincombatives.com
Email: Brad@ronincombatives.com